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n00bfiles - Viewing n00b: Mad Max: The Road Rager

n00bfile #7085
  • Written By: Cyborg571
  • Submitted: Nov 24, 2010 at 12:32 pm
  • n00b's Name: Mad Max: The Road Rager
  • Game: Real Life
  • Votes: 9
  • Score: 10.00
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I. Introduction________________________________

Despite it having been two years since I went into an unofficial n00bstory retirement, I've tried to keep an eye out for exceptional displays of idiocy in the hopes that one day I would meet someone crazy or just plain stupid enough to be worthy of crafting another n00bstory about. It just so happened that my prayers were finally answered this past summer in one of the most outrageous cases of road rage I've ever had the good fortune of witnessing.

It was about 2:00 in the afternoon, and my mother, younger brother, and I were headed home from getting hair cuts. Since everything in Maine is half an hour away, a trip such as this usually involves at least a moderate amount of highway travel. Unfortunately, being the middle of July, the annual highway renovation / construction blockade was in full swing. As such, it stood to reason that many otherwise reasonable drivers might be under slightly more emotional duress than normal.

The subject of this story (since the police wouldn't give us his name, we'll simply refer to him as Max) was not an "otherwise reasonable driver". Were I to hazard a guess at his background, I would estimate that he had likely spent no less than five years in prison, five in rehab, five in the looney bin, and five (or six) in High School (which is impressive considering he looked no older than 25). Though I don't usually resort to such judgemental remarks, believe me when I say that this guy maxed out the "white trash"-o-meter to the point where it would suffer irrecoverable mechanical failure.

II. The Highway to Hell________________________

After trying to pass the time reading in the back seat of a hot car, I finally gave in and decided to take a nap. Some time later, I was rudely awakened by the blaring horn of a car directly behind us, followed by my mother shouting "GOD SAKES!". Looking in the rearview mirror, I could see a Uhaul truck about 25 meters back, closing fast, with an angry man waving his arm in frustration out the window. Given the distance between the truck and our back bumper, I was rather confused about what was going on.

From what my mother told me afterwards, she had switched into the passing lane both in order to pass a slower car in front of us, as well as to allow room for cars entering the highway from an onramp up ahead. As she switched lanes, the Uhaul driver (also travelling in the passing lane) came up behind us travelling somewhere around 80mph (in a crowded 55mph work-zone) and lost his temper. In an attempt to clear up any confusion, I drew up a quick diagram of the situation:

********** FIGURE 1 **********

Once we got back into the right-hand lane a few seconds later, the Uhaul driver brought his truck up alongside us, and continued laying on the horn incessantly, presumably in the hopes that we would look over so he could shoot us the bird. Trying to stay calm, my mom ordered us to ignore him, and we carried on our merry way. Realizing that his initial revenge plan was a bust, the driver of the Uhaul pulled out in front of us and switched into the right lane.

At this point, I figured the guy would just let it go and continue to his destination (after all, he WAS transporting a full Uhaul truck with an attached trailer). I mean, getting "cut off" on the highway - especially in a construction zone heavy with traffic - happens all the time. It's just unreasonable to expect that you're going to be able to get away with 25mph over the speed limit in a bulky truck without running into trouble!

Despite my aforementioned presumptions about the subject's capacity for forgiveness, Mad Max still had a vengeance to enact, and he wasn't giving up till he'd made us all pay. The whole trip was about to take a "turn" for the worst.

III. Battle Royale_____________________________

To our great dismay, Max ended up getting off at the same exit we did. This particular exit has two lanes at the end of the offramp - one to turn left, and one to turn right. As luck would have it, we ended up waiting for our green light in the left lane, with Max waiting to turn right. Max saw his opportunity at this point, and he wasn't about to squander it. In a blind rage, he rolled down his window, leaned out of the truck, and started screaming at us like a crazed lunatic:


Instead of doing the smart thing and ignoring Max at this point, my less-fortunate gamer habits started taking over, and, against my better judgement, I began trolling him. While he continued to holler at the top of his lungs at us, I started to make mockingly sarcastic gestures at him indicating that I was unable to hear his furious tirade. Understandably, Max didn't take too kindly to this. "YOU LITTLE MOTHER FUCKER! DON'T YOU FUCKING MOCK ME!" he snarled in frustration. Once again taking advantage of his rage, I started making makeshift pelvic-thrusts from the back seat, followed by my best jerk-off motions. This sent the already ballistic man over the edge. As the traffic light turned green and we started to speed away, I heard Max's battle cry: "OH THAT'S FUCKING IT!"

Instead of turning right as he had originally planned, Max decided it would be a better course of action to chase down an old lady and her two kids in his rented Uhaul truck (pulling a trailer). In a blind blood-wrath, Max rocketed out of the right-hand turning lane, and came after us with both rage guns blazing. Now in a near panic, my poor mother continued her attempt to avoid contact with our lunatic pursuant by outrunning him. Max wasn't going to let this minor setback stop him, and gunned it until he was once again running up beside us at 50mph. Leaning out the window again, he screamed "ILL FUCKING PUT YOU IN THE DITCH, CUNT!" To my surprise and great amusement, he followed this remark up by producing a HALF FULL BEER CAN, and THROWING it at our car (it hit with a dull thud)!

To help explain, I took a few minutes to compose a detailed illustration of the situation:

********** FIGURE 2 **********

I couldn't help it. I burst out laughing. As gamers, we all bear witness to mindless rage every day, but it's a rare occasion we get to meet nutcases like this in real life! To be honest, I wasn't even aware people even behaved like this away from their computers. I had always assumed that raging was a phenomenon exclusive to the online gaming arena.

IV. Hot Pursuit________________________________

By this point, we had nearly reached the center of town, and once again run into traffic lights. With Mad Max still tailgating us and laying on his horn (in the middle of heavy downtown traffic), everyone in the car started wracking their brains for an escape plan. It immediately occurred to me that we were less than a minute away from the Police department. I pitched this plan to my mom, and crossed my fingers that Max would just be dumb enough to follow.

********** FIGURE 3 **********

A minute later, my prayers were answered as we pulled into the station with the Uhaul still hot on our trail. Mom parked the car in the space nearest to the front door, jumped out, instructed us to "stay put", locked us in, and made a dash for the entrance. I heard a screeching halt behind us as Max brought his vehicle to an angry stop. Within seconds he was on foot, charging after my mother, and looking like he was ready for a fistfight. To confirm this suspicion, he made sure to shout at me on the way by "YOU'RE NEXT, MOTHERFUCKER!"

Not about to let some asshole beat up my mom, I jumped out of the car (setting off the alarm), and went to go after him. No sooner had I done this, than a screeching female voice from behind me shouted "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOU ALMOST KILLED US!" To my great surprise, I turned around to see (what I presume to have been) Max's probably 8 month PREGNANT WIFE, with two other 5-7 year old KIDS in tow.

Momentarily, it occurred to me that Uhaul trucks are generally only designed to fit three people. That means that Max had been SPEEDING in a WORK ZONE in a RENTED TRUCK with a TRAILER attached while DRINKING from an OPEN CONTAINER of alcohol, driving MINORS and a PREGNANT WOMAN in an OVER-OCCUPIED truck cab.

For whatever reason, Max's wife seemed to be convinced that ->I<- had, in fact, been the person behind the wheel, and was therefore the one to blame for everything. I called her a crazy lady and told her to take a hike.

Turning back towards the Police station, I proceeded inside the door, and was abruptly met by two very large officers dragging Max out by the arms. Strangely, it looked as if Max had sufferend a seizure. His toes were dragging limply on the floor, and his head was hung as if he was unconscious. Though I have no explanation for this, I found it somewhat surprising that he didn't even make eye contact with me on the way out.

V. No Justice__________________________________

After Max had been dragged outside, two more officers met me in the lobby and asked me a few questions. Apparently, Max had told the officers the same story his wife seemed to be incorrectly convinced of (namely, that I had been the one driving our car). Considering that Max had gone charging in after my mom, and left me in the back seat of our car, this story didn't take much effort on my part to refute. In any case, our car had been parked directly in front of the security cameras outside, so unless I had magically switched seats with my mom, this story could have easily been debunked.

I also told the police about the beer can which had hit the back of our car, but aside from a wet spot behind the rear passanger's window, there was neither any evidence to back this claim up, nor any damage done to the car. Though we were offered the chance to press charges, the police made it clear that they weren't going to pursue any of their own.

Being the kindly old lady she is though, my mom ultimately decided NOT to press charges, with the reasoning that she just wanted "never to see Max ever again". While I can't say I agreed with this course of action, I can understand her reasoning that the less we have to do with someone like this, the better. To be perfectly honest, it wouldn't surprise me if Max is the type of nutcase who would come directly to someone's house at night in search of revenge. Although self defense in such a situation would likely come with a certain degree of satisfaction, It's probably all for the better that we'll never see him again.

The day ended as the cops told Max and his family to get back into their car and drive back the way they'd come. My family and I waited another 15 minutes after he'd departed, then were instructed to take a different route home.

VI. Conclusion_________________________________

I've seen a lot of crazy things over the past 22 years of my life, but never before have I witnessed anything quite as outrageous as what took place with Mad Max back in July. While I may laugh at extraordinary displays of stupidity (including my own on occasion), I don't usually find myself judging someone's character by their mistakes. Unfortunately, in Max's case, it's virtually impossible to judge him any other way. Considering that he rented a truck, then took it speeding (5mph below the criminal speed limit) through a work zone with his pregnant wife and two young children, all the while drinking beer, I would argue that everything we need to know about Max is defined by his stupidity. Not only was he putting his entire family in danger by speeding in heavy traffic, but he was setting a poor example for his children, who will likely grow up to be just as irresponsible and reckless as he is.

Regardless of our refusal to press charges, I have little doubt that Max's problems will catch up with him sooner or later.